Ex-Cult Survey

Recently, the Teen Mania Honor Academy issued this survey for Alumni.  Though I was not contacted directly, I've decided to participate.

*1. When did you graduate from the internship?
2002

*2. August or January?
January

*3. How many years did you volunteer/work for Teen Mania?
1 (technically I worked a summer there as well, but since this is alumni and it wasn't a full year, I've decided not to count it.)

*4. Are you still in contact with any of your intern classmates?
Yes
There's no room to note that most of my classmates that I'm in touch with are apart of the Recovering Alumni Movement, but in touch is in touch.

*5. Do you still wear your Honor Ring? If no, please explain.
No (please explain)
It doesn't fit.  And frankly I find I do not wish to be bound by other people defining what "Honor" is for me.  Further, I do not find the actions of TM Honorable, so it would be hypocritical for me to wear a ring from them signifying Honor.

Funny that there's no need for an explanation as to why one still does wear the ring.

6. What has been the hardest challenge you have faced as an Alumnus? (note that this is the first question that isn't required)
Letting go of my inflated ego after a year of hearing how much better I was thane everyone else.  Also, learning to expand myself beyond the limitations of faith and knowledge the HA endorses.

*7. Which of the following would serve you as an Alumnus?
An actual, meaning full apology to the people the HA has hurt and pushed aside.

*8. What could we do to improve the Alumni Association?
I would invite members of the Recovering Alumni to actively participate in the Association without being judged for their views.  Only when the Association, and Teen Mania as a whole, embraces all Alumni and accepts the dissent of others will there be a fair voice of the past to speak towards the future.

*9. How Connected do you feel to the Honor Academy?
Not really

10. If you did not answer connected or very connected in question 9, please share why.
Being in the Honor Academy is an almost complete disconnect from reality.  And those who chose to hold on to the world outside were shunned.  I'm better off without that in my life.

*11. Have you participated in any Alumni functions? would you be interested in participating in the Reunion this year?
No.  If I attend any kind of Alumni Reunion, it will be with the RA community.

12. how often are you contacted by Teen Mania?
Not really

*13. Are you interested in any of the following volunteer opportunities for Alumni involvement, select all that apply
I am NOT interested in being involved at this time. (You think that if I came back as a GI, they'd let me set up my alter on campus?  I'm getting triple moon tapestry with Pentacle in place of the center.  Or I could mentor a GI.  That would be fun.  Especially if I were in Texas where I could talk to them on a regular basis.)

*14. I would be interested in donating to improve the GI programs and housing?
No (because I'm broke and I really don't care)

*15. I would consider giving money to Teen Mania for the following. Please select all that apply.
I am not interested (I wouldn't mind being a paid speaker.  does that count?)


16. Have you attended college or university?
0-1 years

17. Did you enjoy your Classed at the Honor Academy?
Other (please specify)
I enjoyed classES (you may want to spell check) while I was there, but it's easy when you're running on minimal sleep and maximum activity.  That's called brain washing, by the way.

18. What was your Favorite Class? what classes would you like to have access to as a podcast?
Hmm.  The one were we stood around in a circle and practiced making prophecies over each other... no wait, that was Blood 'n' Fire.  My bad.

*19. In what ways are you attempting to fulfill the Great Commission?
Sending others (as in someone else can do it)

*20. Are you actively involved in a church or ministry?
Other (please specify)
 I am currently preparing a sacred space in my bedroom dedicated the the Goddess, in all her glory.  So far, I have a table and Black and White pillars, to symbolize the Yin and Yang.  I hope to soon add symbols of Fire, Wind, Water and Earth.  I am looking into a Triple Moon tapestry and a wall statuary of the Drawing Down the Moon ritual.  I think it will look very nice and encourage me in my spiritual pursuits.

*21. What element of the HA has been the most effective in your growth as a Christian Leader?
Other (please specify)
 The fellow interns who were scorned and repressed by leadership for not conforming to their idolatry of the Perfect Christian.

*22. Would you recommend the Honor Academy to others?
No

*23. On a scale of 1-5 (1 being the least, 5 being the greatest) how much of an impact did the Honor Academy have on your life?
4

*24. How did the HA enable you to grow in wisdom?
I learned than titles and endorsements reflect popularity, not character.  Thus no leader is worthy of my respect until they have done something to earn it.

*25. How did the Honor Academy enable you to grow in discipline in your life?
I learned that rules and "discipline" don't make you a better person.  Just harder and more rigid. Often, more judgmental.

*26. How did the Honor Academy help develop your life vision?
It confused me greatly by telling me that my natural desires and inclinations in ministry were wrong.  That if I didn't force myself into the spotlight, I wasn't being a true man of god.

*27. How did the Honor Academy enable you to grow as a leader?
I learned that titles, position and vision are irrelevant.  Being a leader is no more and no less than helping people find their own path as you walk yours.  Very few genuine leaders in the HA.

28. How did your time at Teen Mania Prepare you for your Professional Career?
I have had absolutely nothing that resembles a "professional career" since I was at the HA.  I turned down a perfectly good job because I was so puffed up I thought I was better than that, meant for something more.  It was the dumbest thing I ever did.

*30. Are you Proud to be an Alumnus of the Honor Academy?
No (I would have gone with Nope, but it wasn't an option.)

And that was the Ex-Cult Survey.

Reliance

The other day, a friend of mine posted a question on what would our dream job be.  I responded with "I'd like to get a degree in relationship and sex therapy as a Psychologist. But my dream job would be as a housewife for a career driven woman, letting me keep my writing as a hobby without the performance stress of needing it for income."

I was a little miffed when she didn't like it or respond.  She was so encouraging to everyone else.  Then I found out the reason.  On another post she shared how several men had shared wanting to "keep house" as an excuse to play video games all day...  I can see the appeal, plush apartment, huge screen TV, 360 or PS3, and inevitable boredom that will lead hearts to stray.

I'm writing this because that's really not what I meant.  I'm not writing for her benefit, but for my own.  I mean if she offered to bed me, I wouldn't tell her no, provided that I wasn't in a relationship first.  This is my vision.

Not a plush apartment in the city.  A small house just outside the city.  Short driving distance to the city, a huge one, but with lots of acreage.  A small garden plot for herbs and vegetables, and a few fruit trees.  Dogs, cats, a few sheep to keep the grass trim, also for meat and wool.  Hunting, not so much fishing.  Tanning hides.  Sure the big screen and the game consoles, but not to fill my day.

My real job though begins when She gets home.  Not my friend who posted, but the general idea of the woman I would end up with in this scenario.  I'll spare you those details, namely because it all depends on who she is and what she wants from me on any given day.

The picture I'm painting is something my sister and I have been talking about for some time.  We call it Self-Reliance.  A partial unplug from the System that keeps us all enslaved to our jobs.  In the modern world we can't disconnect completely.  Property taxes and the like.  But we can have a richer existence for less money if we just take the time to do some things ourselves.  Especially the necessities.

Then there's the fact that I want to raise a family.  I don't want the woman I'm with to put her life on hold while we have a child or two.  I realize that it would be her body, and she would have to put things on hold for at least a few months during the pregnancies, if we decided to go that route.  In the end though, I'd prefer to take care of the children myself and let her pursue her career goals with minimal interference.

I don't want to sponge off a woman for my own leisure.  I want to be the support she can rely on in the background so she can have her dreams.  That will probably mean having a job of my own, and I accept that.  But my friend asked what my dream job would be, not what I was willing to do.  I guess a better answer would be to have a woman I could devote myself to and a place full of projects to make her life better and easier behind the scenes... and with what time I can muster to work on my own writing.

Silence Equals Compliance

Some time ago, an acquaintance commented on a photo on Facebook.  The picture was of two men embracing and holding a newborn between them on the top, with pictures of children holding the familiar "God Hates Fags" signs from Westboro Baptist Church.  The caption was "If you honestly believe that a loving homosexual couple raising a child is more offensive than these lunatics teaching children to do this... Then there might just be some issues you need to sort out."

My acquaintance said "Both are equally offensive, but at opposite extremes.  What I find most hateful in this instance is to seek and find one particular example of those who falsely call themselves Christian and use them in a smear campaign against the majority of conscientious and loving Bible believing Christians who have nothing to do with the true Gospel message they are so eager to share."

The comment got two likes.

Here's the problem.  To outsiders, no one cares who is and who isn't... whatever.  Orthodox, Catholic, or one of the myriad of Protestant and Non-Denominational, to Non-Christians it is in fact all the same thing.  Bible Thumpers.  The Bible Fred Phelps carries is the same Bible Pat Robertson reads, is the same Bible every Christian reads.  Translation, edition, cover, these are all just details and completely inconsequential to those of follow other religions and spiritual paths.

When one particular group begins to speak up about anything, they become the voice of those they associate with, whether they represent the majority or not.  The perception becomes that the most vocal is the majority.  This is particularly reinforced by the silence of any opposition within the same group of people.

The sad truth is that when you strip away the niceties, political correctness, and flat out doublethink that hangs heavily around Christian religion, the message to homosexuals is absolutely no different than Westboro signs:  "God Hates Fags."

It's even right there in my acquaintance's message "Both are equally offensive."  On some level, he agrees with the message Westboro Baptist is sending.  Homosexuality is "offensive".  Is it more polite to say that something is offensive rather than you hate it?  Certainly.  But lets face it, polite or no, it's the same message.  "This should not be."

Do I think that Westboro Baptist (or my acquaintance for that matter) speak for all Christians, everywhere?  No.  I know that many Christians support gay rights, and I know that many homosexuals are Christians.  However, so long as the vocal majority within the Christian community (that is, those presenting the loudest and most public message) continue to claim that their god hates people for who they love, or that some kinds of love are "offensive", Christianity, as a whole, will remain labeled as "homophobic".  Christians who are not will be perceived as the exception and not the rule.

The only way to change this perception is to change the vocal majority.  Christians who support their gay sisters and brothers should take the time to divorce themselves from the homophobic Christian front by making a stand as Christian Pro-sexuals.  They won't silence or drown out the Anti-gay movement, but they can change how outsiders see the Christian faith.

More than a taste (Rated X, at least)

I wrote this for a friend, catering to her particular tastes and fetishes.  It won't appeal to everyone, but I felt like sharing.

"Holy fuck, am I horny now."
I turn around and looked at you, a little shocked by the bluntness of your statement.  You smile and pull up your shirt, showing me your massive breasts barely hidden in your bra.  You pull one of the cups aside, giving me a glance of your pert nipple.

I move over to you quickly and press you to the wall.  I pull off your shirt and toss it aside, taking a tit in each hand.  I wrap my fingers around the edges of your bra, pulling your cups down.  I press my lisp to yours, running my tongue over your lips.  I wrap my hands around your boobs massaging them with my fingers, digging my nails into your skin.  You offer your tongue to me and I wrap my lips around it, sucking a little.

My fingers move down your breasts, finding your nipples.  You reach behind you, releasing your bra, letting it fall to the floor.  I move my lips along your jaw and down your neck.  As I draw near your pulse, I switch from kisses to nipping, biting harder and hard.  I glide my fingers down your breasts, taking your nipples between my thumbs and forefingers, stroking them gently.

My mouth continues move lower.  I release one of your breasts to glide my hand down over your hip, then inside your thigh.  My wrist lifts your skirt as my fingers seek out your warm sex.  I curl my palm over your vulva squeezing gently.  I slide my hand up, bringing my fingers over your slit.  I add a little pressure to your pussy with my middle finger, as though trying to ease it inside you.

My mouth wanders down your neck, finding your breast.  I bite down on the soft flesh up and more center from your nipple.  As I do, you grind down on my hand and my finger slips inside your cunt, almost by accident.  I add my index finger and massage your clit with my thumb.  I move my lips down to your nipple.  I trace the outer edge of your areola with the tip of my tongue, then another circle brushing your sensitive nub.  I flick the center of your nipple with my tongue, then begin sucking at your tit.


You reach down and unzip my fly, fishing my prick out from my pants.  You stroke me off as I finger your twat and suck you boob.  We pick up a pattern, moving faster, slower, harder and softer together.

You push me back, keeping hold of my length.  I release your breast and pussy as you lead me over to the couch.  You lay down, pulling me toward you, inviting me to straddle your chest.  You let go as I lay my prick in your cleavage, then you enfold my cock in your tits.

I start slow, moving my dick along your cleavage, back and forth.  I build speed as I fuck your full, luscious bosom.  I reach down and pinch your nipples, pulling them tight as my sex collides with your chest. Your moaning arouses me more and I fuck harder.

I hold on as long as I can, but my excitement builds and I can feel my body craving release.  I smile mischievously and look away.  You know I'm not going to warn you.  But you also don't have to wait long. Soon my penis pulses between your breasts and my hot ejaculate spreads through your cleavage and over your chest, drops spurting even as far as your face.  You lick my cum from your lips and release me.

I pull back, spent for the moment, but you still want more.  I get down on the floor as you reposition yourself, sitting up with your feet on the floor and your legs spread wide.  You take my hair in either fist and pull me close to your waiting snatch.  I fight you, just a little, to run my tongue along your thigh and nip you once or twice.  Finally, I nestle my face deep between your legs and draw a line along your slit.  I do this again, pushing your labia aside to dip my tongue further inside, but just slightly so.

I use my fingers and open your vulva wide.  I run my tongue around the edge of your inner lips , teasing your clit, the running down the center to french kiss your pussy.  My tongue slides in, my nose brushing your sensitive pearl.  I lick you deep, sucking your love juice, drinking it down.

I slide my tongue in and out, reaching as deep as it will go, followed by ringing it around the rim of your hole.  At times I would rise up to lick your button, then dive back down.  Your body bucks against my face, grinding your sex against my mouth.  I keep with you, and bring you to orgasm.

At this point, I change tactics.  I withdraw my tongue and replace it with two of my fingers.  I curl them against the roof of your vagina, seeking your g-spot.  My lips wrap around your clit and begin sucking as I frig your inner pleasure button.  I take my time as you rise once more to climax on my face.  I keep going, eating you out until you force me to stop.

I sit back and look up at you, your legs spread with your skirt up around your waist and otherwise naked.  I stroke my cock. thinking about plunging it deep inside your hole, but at that moment, a throat clears behind us.  We look back at the door to see our lovely host standing next to the door, with one or two other guests peeking in the doorway.  She smiles and tells us dinner is ready to be served... that is, if we're done with desert for the moment.

Demons Dressed as Naked Women

As I've stated before, I was incredibly young when I first discovered pornography.  When it came time to talk to me about it, my dad was too embarrassed to even look at me, much less have a meaningful discussion about pornographic images.  Private thrill was soon associated with shame.

Over the years I've heard so many things about pornography.  I've been told that it is demeaning to women.  I can understand that interpretation.  Naked women in suggestive, inviting poses or making themselves sexually available to almost every man who comes along can be interpreted as seeing women as purely sexual objects.  However, when I look at images of women nude, women having sex, women enjoying their bodies, I don't see a thing to be used.  I see a person, empowered, engaging in an activity she enjoys and finds pleasurable.  The truth is that "demeaning" is an interpretation.  What one person finds demeaning, another finds empowering.  What one person finds insulting, another finds funny.

Beyond simple person to person interpretation, there's a logical step further that really confuses me.  To me, pornography is simply people being photographed and recorded naked and having sex.  The idea that pornography should be demeaning to women communicates to me that nudity and sex are demeaning to women.  Is that really the message our society wants to send, that women should be ashamed of their bodies and their sexual desires?

I've been told that pornography presents an unrealistic view of women's bodies:  Thin waists, large breasts, and wide hips.  Mainstream pornography reflects mainstream expectations of beauty and attractiveness.  Like nearly all other magazines, especially fashion magazines, pornographic magazines airbrush and digitally alter their images to make their models more attractive to their target audience.  I want to be clear that I'm not defending the practice.  The problem that I have is that the practice is throughout the entertainment industry, pornography is not the only offender.  Yet when discussions of pornography come up, the issue of female body image is addressed in such a way, you would almost think pornography was the solely responsible for the practice.

That mostly applies to mainstream pornography.  Pornography however is one of the most dynamic industries out there.  Most forms of entertainment try to appeal to the widest group possible.  Pornography, on the other hand, caters not just to the mainstream, but esoteric tastes as well.  When you look past Playboy and Hustler, you eventually get to men and women of all sizes and shapes.  There's even an entire genre dedicated to average, non-celebrity partners sharing their private sex tapes.

The next argument is pornography inspires lust in men, and that's bad.  This generally comes from a theory that any kind of sexual arousal that a man doesn't direct toward a specific woman (namely his wife) is inherently evil.  The reality is that sexual arousal and attraction are not things people can control.  It's perfectly natural, and more importantly, involuntary.  The issue then becomes when a person makes a conscious decision to expose themselves to material they find sexually stimulation.

My response is this:  Not everyone is wired for a monogamous relationship, even if they want one.  Fantasies offer a means to explore other sexual possibilities without actually engaging another person in sex.  Those fantasies can then be shared in a relationship with open and honest communication, enhancing sexual experiences even when physically engaging only one partner.

I would not suggest that I know what's best for everyone.  The best advice I can offer is to examine for yourself.  It is walking a line, because there is still a strong line of "women are objects/possessions" within our culture and pornography can reinforce this kind of thinking.  Above all, anyone who is involved in a relationship has to put the feelings of their partner first.  Even if they have a mentality to view pornography without looking down on women, they have a problem if their partner feels degraded by pornographic images.

Sanctity of Life

I'm taking a moment today to return to my earlier topic of abortion.  In case you haven't figured it out, I'm a Pro-Choice supporter.  In fact, I can think of no time in my life that I was not a Pro-Choice supporter, even during my most religious phase.  As much as anything though, it is because I cannot support the Pro-Life movement.  I find Pro-Lifers to be generally hypocritical and contradictory.  I'm not saying that this is true of all Pro-Life supporters, but simply the majority of my own perception.

The Pro-Life movement claims that abortion is the termination of a human life, and therefore murder.  Since murder is against the law, abortion should be illegal.  It's a straightforward logical assumption.  Yet, despite the idea that abortion is murder and murder is illegal, members of the Pro-Life movement believe that it it perfectly alright to plant bombs in abortion clinics, killing doctors, nurses, aides, as well as the mothers and children Pro-Life claims to be protecting.

It's a little extreme, I know.  A few fanatics among the movement.  But it keeps happening.  This conveys to me that the Pro-Life movement has done little, if anything to discourage this kind of behavior, or to point out the hypocrisy of blowing up clinics.  To some, it might seem like justice, executing murders.  However, even if one follows the thinking that abortion is murder, our country requires trial and due process.  For a private citizen to execute or detain an alleged criminal is vigilantism, which is also illegal in the United States.  In the modern context, using a bomb, or any other indiscriminate weapon is also considered terrorism.

Once more, the point of Pro-Life is to support the sanctity of life.  However, many of the Pro-Life people I have spoken with also believe in the Death Penalty.  How can we claim that life is sacred if we are willing to throw a life away to appease lives lost?  Can we justify death with more death?  As investigative technology advances, we have discovered numerous instances when innocent people were jailed.  How many have been executed?  A person can be freed from prison, even if we cannot restore the time they spent there.  But once a person has been killed by the state, how can we make that right to discover that they didn't commit the crime?

Another platform that Pro-Lifer's seem to agree on  is reduction of Welfare.  They claim that Welfare is nothing more than lazy people leeching of the state.  While there are some who take advantage of the system, I see nothing that indicates that the majority of people are like that.  It's strange that the same group who insists that the government force every woman who conceives to give birth also believe that the government should do nothing to provide for the child's well-being after birth.

A number of Pro-Life individuals I've spoken with also believe in Abstinence Only Sex Education.  While the notion that teens shouldn't have sex seems noble on the surface, statistics indicate that such teaching is unrealistic.  Regions that engage in Abstinence Only programs have higher rates of teen pregnancy, not lower.  The thinking seems to be that teaching children only to not have sex rather than to use contraception only introduces the idea of sex without the context of responsibility.  Teens begin engaging in sex, but don't know how to prevent pregnancy.  More pregnant teenagers means more abortions.

History has demonstrated that anti-abortion laws do not lower abortion rates.  In fact, they increase mortality rates for women from back-alley abortions and at-home abortion methods.  What will decrease abortion is better sex education, the availability of contraceptives, and investment into alternatives, such as adoption and the foster care system.  If the Pro-Life movement was genuinely "pro-life", this is where they would be exerting their energy.

The Eye of the Beholder

Growing up, I fawned over Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson.  They were sexy and I liked that.  I of course knew nothing about them personally, other than their chosen professions and they fact that they had bodies and faces I enjoyed looking at.  At some point early on, I was aware that this was an illusion.  "Real women don't look like that."  Airbrushing aside, we are discussing women who's professions are built around looking good and being attractive.  And then we add in the fact that advertisers and magazines do airbrush and digitally alter images.  Truthfully, we have to wonder if we really know what any woman we haven't met face to face looks like.

A few years ago, I was talking with a friend who asked me about what I found attractive.  I described my "ideal woman".  When I was done, my friend laughed and said I had just described her sister, who I had never met or even seen a picture of.  It was funny.  Though I won't go into details, I will note that the image I held in my mind wasn't entirely based on Ms Crawford, or Ms Anderson.

A short while later, I found myself looking at a woman from across my favorite club.  She was gorgeous.  She was a big girl.  She was incredible.  It was fascinating to me because I knew she didn't fit my "ideal", nor was she "beautiful" by the standards of magazines and television.  It also took me by surprise.  But she caught my attention, and held it.  I didn't know then why I liked her.  I can see it now.  She was confident.  She smiled.  Her body moved in amazing ways.  It didn't hurt that she wore corsets and bodices to perk up her ample breasts.

I like breasts, and legs, and waists, and thighs, and butts, and hair, and eyes, and smiles.  I especially like eyes and smiles.  Women are amazing. They come in all beautiful shapes and sizes.  Beauty only has signs on the surface.  It's more.  I had to learn that.  My mind, emotions, and body knew that on a subconscious/unconscious level, but it's only in the last few years that I've begun to bring that awareness to the surface.

I've heard the phrase "real women have curves."  I've said it once or twice, but it was because I appreciated the beauty of curvy women.  But thin women can be beautiful too.  I'm not claiming that I find all women attractive.  But I also realize that my personal tastes shouldn't be a basis of judgement.

Beauty stems from self acceptance and confidence.  Not from how big or small some part or another of your body is.   Trouble is, I'm still learning that lesson myself.